Living with hope and living with fear & Free Spirirts....

Hello All.....

Today has been a good day, there has been laughter in the air, there has been communication overall its been a great day.

One thing I wanted to bring up and perhaps others out there may have similar experiences or have heard things similar to this. My radtastic guy's friend and I were having a conversation the other night, and it reminded me of something my guy said to me when we first got together, that he is a free spirit.

Now his friend knows my guy better than anyone else, they have been friends for years. I don't think anyone really truly knows everything there is to know about my guy (I think I know him the best out of most people, well that is what he tells me anyways :) ). My guy is a free spirit. And his friend said to me, you know you have to be prepared that he may just up and leave one day. I sat there for a moment and thought about it, does that scare me? Sure it does, do I think it will happen? No I don't but everyday brings a new level of surprise and changes so who really knows, I would like to think no.

His friend informed me that My radtastic guy has never been able to connect with anyone, and has never been able to stay in one place for very long, he pushes people away when they get to close and then he dissapears without really looking back with no regret. To all those out there who live with someone or who know someone that suffers from R.A.D. you know they cannot connect well with other people thats an obvious ! but have they ever said that they want to go away, or they don't want to be here?

I don't think that is a cry for attention so to speak but I do think that it is a cry for something. In my case, I have realized the more and more that I back away and let him do his thing and not try to control the situations rather let him live in the moment and control the situation but still I have some handle on it, things tend to work out for the better. I never EVER try to control him, or limit what he can or can not do, I try my best to let him be him and do what he needs to do. Sure listening to all the women he has been with in the past, and the way he looks at women on a daily basis, come on now hes male! :) i can't hold that against him lol. He easily could just up and leave and that be that...

But something I have noticed when I back off and allow him to be him, regardless ofhim telling me he is a free spirit, his place is out there on the road, living life living new experiences he has to go he has to leave,,, he hasn't left? And i sometimes question why he hasn't left. I am nothing special, I am nothing special at all I am just a woman that is madly in love with a guy. I am not particularly gorgeous, I am not a brainiac I am just me who is here trying to help someone who suffers from a horrid disorder and help the best way that I can....

We have a great bond, and I think that and im not saying that this will work in all cases by any means this is just what I have come to realize, he has told me so many times that he needs to leave and go experience, so i tell him okay then go... go do what you have to do, I will be right here waiting when you get back... he retorts with well "what happens if I don't come back?" I said you will...... If there is one thing that I have learned is that even when they say they want to leave and be on their own, they are not part of this world, they cannot connect or feel, they really don't want to be alone. He could very well up and leave for a year but I doubt he would stay gone that long.... People that have R.A.D. I have found do not want you to feel sorry for them by any means but they do want underlying help they just will not come right out and say it... but in so many words if you truly know the person, you can tell that is what they are after.

My guy is a free spirit I knew that when we got together, he himself even said to me "i never thought we would have made it this far" but we have and we did. Do I fear the unknown? Hell yeah I do I am human, but I have trust in him, I love him, and I know that somehow I have been let in to a part of his life that people may have tried to break into but have failed, but I have somehow gotten in, and I don't think that that is something that he would let go of that easily...

Again this is all based off of my own experiences living with someone. Do I wish he could connect with me 100%? of course I do, but day by day little by little he is trying, and as long as I never give up on him, and I am always behind him or beside him, i think he is well on his way to some type of recovery, and I think the biggest thing is with that, he needs to realize for himself that he is not the devil, leaving what he has worked so hard for behind (work, love, etc..) once he truly realizes what he has, he may then begin to start the road to true happiness.. but you can't force someone to see that change, they have to see it for themselves, but the important thing is no matter how hard it is, or how hard it gets... NEVER GIVE UP...... I will not let my best friend give up that easily......

More later...

Maggie