Hello All.....
Today has been a good day, there has been laughter in the air, there has been communication overall its been a great day.
One thing I wanted to bring up and perhaps others out there may have similar experiences or have heard things similar to this. My radtastic guy's friend and I were having a conversation the other night, and it reminded me of something my guy said to me when we first got together, that he is a free spirit.
Now his friend knows my guy better than anyone else, they have been friends for years. I don't think anyone really truly knows everything there is to know about my guy (I think I know him the best out of most people, well that is what he tells me anyways :) ). My guy is a free spirit. And his friend said to me, you know you have to be prepared that he may just up and leave one day. I sat there for a moment and thought about it, does that scare me? Sure it does, do I think it will happen? No I don't but everyday brings a new level of surprise and changes so who really knows, I would like to think no.
His friend informed me that My radtastic guy has never been able to connect with anyone, and has never been able to stay in one place for very long, he pushes people away when they get to close and then he dissapears without really looking back with no regret. To all those out there who live with someone or who know someone that suffers from R.A.D. you know they cannot connect well with other people thats an obvious ! but have they ever said that they want to go away, or they don't want to be here?
I don't think that is a cry for attention so to speak but I do think that it is a cry for something. In my case, I have realized the more and more that I back away and let him do his thing and not try to control the situations rather let him live in the moment and control the situation but still I have some handle on it, things tend to work out for the better. I never EVER try to control him, or limit what he can or can not do, I try my best to let him be him and do what he needs to do. Sure listening to all the women he has been with in the past, and the way he looks at women on a daily basis, come on now hes male! :) i can't hold that against him lol. He easily could just up and leave and that be that...
But something I have noticed when I back off and allow him to be him, regardless ofhim telling me he is a free spirit, his place is out there on the road, living life living new experiences he has to go he has to leave,,, he hasn't left? And i sometimes question why he hasn't left. I am nothing special, I am nothing special at all I am just a woman that is madly in love with a guy. I am not particularly gorgeous, I am not a brainiac I am just me who is here trying to help someone who suffers from a horrid disorder and help the best way that I can....
We have a great bond, and I think that and im not saying that this will work in all cases by any means this is just what I have come to realize, he has told me so many times that he needs to leave and go experience, so i tell him okay then go... go do what you have to do, I will be right here waiting when you get back... he retorts with well "what happens if I don't come back?" I said you will...... If there is one thing that I have learned is that even when they say they want to leave and be on their own, they are not part of this world, they cannot connect or feel, they really don't want to be alone. He could very well up and leave for a year but I doubt he would stay gone that long.... People that have R.A.D. I have found do not want you to feel sorry for them by any means but they do want underlying help they just will not come right out and say it... but in so many words if you truly know the person, you can tell that is what they are after.
My guy is a free spirit I knew that when we got together, he himself even said to me "i never thought we would have made it this far" but we have and we did. Do I fear the unknown? Hell yeah I do I am human, but I have trust in him, I love him, and I know that somehow I have been let in to a part of his life that people may have tried to break into but have failed, but I have somehow gotten in, and I don't think that that is something that he would let go of that easily...
Again this is all based off of my own experiences living with someone. Do I wish he could connect with me 100%? of course I do, but day by day little by little he is trying, and as long as I never give up on him, and I am always behind him or beside him, i think he is well on his way to some type of recovery, and I think the biggest thing is with that, he needs to realize for himself that he is not the devil, leaving what he has worked so hard for behind (work, love, etc..) once he truly realizes what he has, he may then begin to start the road to true happiness.. but you can't force someone to see that change, they have to see it for themselves, but the important thing is no matter how hard it is, or how hard it gets... NEVER GIVE UP...... I will not let my best friend give up that easily......
More later...
Maggie
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Everything that you want and need is right in front of you, including me why can't you see that?
Hey all, sorry it's been a few days since my last post.
It is so hard to point out to someone that everything that they truly need and want to be happy is right in front of them. If they are so blinded and scarred from their past how do you break through that barrier and make them see? It is truly truly a difficult thing to do.
My radtastic guy has started several business ventures that he has been talking about doing forever, he has such great ideas and thoughts on how to succeed etc. But then the doubt sets in that things will not work out. You never know unless you try right? Well he started the different ventures and low and behold they are doing well!
I don't know if people that have R.A.D. feel that since things in their lives never really go the way that they had planned to, or they are so used to be let down, or are so destructive themselves that when they do find a niche for success or realize that they can succeed at something they want it to happen all at once. I can understand being so happy that something is finally going to work out but much like anything in life, things take time, successes do not happen over night.
His ventures are succeeding!! More so than we thought they were going to in the beginning but things take time to build up which they are doing, and once they get to built up? BOOM its like an explosion and everything is just going to happen and take place.... It is so hard to watch someone who pours his all into hours and hours amongst more hours into these businesses only to think to themselves that they are failing, or are a failure. Even if you have 1 person visit a website, or contact you for help or questions, thats success!!! The whole point of a website is to attract people to your page and do more research about what you are all about right? Well that 1 person took time out to find you, research you and now wants a response back to you? That in my eyes is success in and of itself. Word of mouth is the most popular form of marketing that there is out there. One person tells one person and next thing you know bam baby, you have 30 plus people checking you out. Even if directly they do not speak to you the fact that they sought you out? is success you are doing what you had set out to do in one way or another.
My guy loves me, he loves me a lot, he tells me this every day. We have great conversations, we laugh, we cry, we just enjoy eachother thats just what we do. But sometimes, you tend to feel like you don't exist. I dont mean i don't exist I mean of course I do, I am standing right here after all aren't I? I mean when I tell him how I feel about him, or compliment his success, etc. its kind of brushed aside. If I get all mushy and profess how i feel, and that I love him and that I want him and I want to be "near him" for lack of better words lol it isn't that I am so self absorbed in myself and that is all about me? This is my way of letting the man of my dreams know how I feel about him, I would think he would be flattered by my devotion and being so outspoken.
I make it a point everyday to tell him that I love him, to kiss him or to hug him at some point in my day those are my only requests in a day. Everything else is a bonus lol. I am human we all have certain needs that need to be met or fullfilled that is just part of life. So when I tell him that I want him, yes I know he has been with countless women in his past, and it was just a fling thing they did not all have any type of meaning to it per say, but after a while and years of doing this i can understand where it will begin to ware on you and after a while you just cant be like that anymore, you just stop and realize ugh im tired of that lifestyle im tired of being like that i just im done with it... So then when someone does come along in this case me, and tells him how much I want him, and need him and want to be close to him, maybe he feels objectified because that is all he has ever known from most women? But thats not the CASE AT ALL!!
And I can see where this can push someone away after a while. I have come to realize my faults what i do on my end that does not exactly help situations per say. I am working on them. Living with someone who has R.A. D. really makes you take a deep hard look at yourself and your life and the things that you do and say and how that can really affect the other person directly or indirectly.
I tell him everyday how proud of him i am and how much he is SUCCEEDING!!! he just doesnt want to hear it.. or maybe he doesnt believe that he capable of these types of achievements I am not sure. He is though he is soooooo worth and capable of sooo much more... i will continue in my efforts everyday to tell him how i feel and how proud i am of him even when he doesnt want to hear it, I will still be his voice......
Maggie
It is so hard to point out to someone that everything that they truly need and want to be happy is right in front of them. If they are so blinded and scarred from their past how do you break through that barrier and make them see? It is truly truly a difficult thing to do.
My radtastic guy has started several business ventures that he has been talking about doing forever, he has such great ideas and thoughts on how to succeed etc. But then the doubt sets in that things will not work out. You never know unless you try right? Well he started the different ventures and low and behold they are doing well!
I don't know if people that have R.A.D. feel that since things in their lives never really go the way that they had planned to, or they are so used to be let down, or are so destructive themselves that when they do find a niche for success or realize that they can succeed at something they want it to happen all at once. I can understand being so happy that something is finally going to work out but much like anything in life, things take time, successes do not happen over night.
His ventures are succeeding!! More so than we thought they were going to in the beginning but things take time to build up which they are doing, and once they get to built up? BOOM its like an explosion and everything is just going to happen and take place.... It is so hard to watch someone who pours his all into hours and hours amongst more hours into these businesses only to think to themselves that they are failing, or are a failure. Even if you have 1 person visit a website, or contact you for help or questions, thats success!!! The whole point of a website is to attract people to your page and do more research about what you are all about right? Well that 1 person took time out to find you, research you and now wants a response back to you? That in my eyes is success in and of itself. Word of mouth is the most popular form of marketing that there is out there. One person tells one person and next thing you know bam baby, you have 30 plus people checking you out. Even if directly they do not speak to you the fact that they sought you out? is success you are doing what you had set out to do in one way or another.
My guy loves me, he loves me a lot, he tells me this every day. We have great conversations, we laugh, we cry, we just enjoy eachother thats just what we do. But sometimes, you tend to feel like you don't exist. I dont mean i don't exist I mean of course I do, I am standing right here after all aren't I? I mean when I tell him how I feel about him, or compliment his success, etc. its kind of brushed aside. If I get all mushy and profess how i feel, and that I love him and that I want him and I want to be "near him" for lack of better words lol it isn't that I am so self absorbed in myself and that is all about me? This is my way of letting the man of my dreams know how I feel about him, I would think he would be flattered by my devotion and being so outspoken.
I make it a point everyday to tell him that I love him, to kiss him or to hug him at some point in my day those are my only requests in a day. Everything else is a bonus lol. I am human we all have certain needs that need to be met or fullfilled that is just part of life. So when I tell him that I want him, yes I know he has been with countless women in his past, and it was just a fling thing they did not all have any type of meaning to it per say, but after a while and years of doing this i can understand where it will begin to ware on you and after a while you just cant be like that anymore, you just stop and realize ugh im tired of that lifestyle im tired of being like that i just im done with it... So then when someone does come along in this case me, and tells him how much I want him, and need him and want to be close to him, maybe he feels objectified because that is all he has ever known from most women? But thats not the CASE AT ALL!!
And I can see where this can push someone away after a while. I have come to realize my faults what i do on my end that does not exactly help situations per say. I am working on them. Living with someone who has R.A. D. really makes you take a deep hard look at yourself and your life and the things that you do and say and how that can really affect the other person directly or indirectly.
I tell him everyday how proud of him i am and how much he is SUCCEEDING!!! he just doesnt want to hear it.. or maybe he doesnt believe that he capable of these types of achievements I am not sure. He is though he is soooooo worth and capable of sooo much more... i will continue in my efforts everyday to tell him how i feel and how proud i am of him even when he doesnt want to hear it, I will still be his voice......
Maggie
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I want to marry you....but... I don't trust you.......
I normally wouldn't write this much in one day but I am house sitting and I am avoiding doing some work and I am bored so I figured I would add another post. As a little girl I had some pretty set standards for myself. I wanted to be an artist when I got older, and I wanted to find my knight in shining armor. I grew up and low and behold I got my degree and became an artist, among other things. I had various relationships here and there the longest one being 4 years. 4 years I was with a man that I thought was going to be my everything, my future, my world. Boy was I wrong on that one. He did everything short of cheating on me (I think). He was verbally abusive at times, he was a slob, lazy, the list could go on and on. To make a long story short he was diagnosed with border line manic depressive and anxiety disorder with suicidal tendencies. I lived with this for 4 years, I put up with being put last for everything, being yelled at for things that were not my fault, for just being treated like crap. I was there but I wasn't there. I was only there for his meager existance to do everything for him didn't matter what I wanted. There were many times I should have gotten out but I didn't because part of me felt that if I stayed with him long enough I could "heal" him I could help. But I realized I couldn't help him because he did not want to be helped.
I had never come across someone with R.A.D. until I met my guy. Having been in a previous relationship with when I look back now had similar characteristics of R.A.D. but most likely was not R.A.D. I thought okay if I could deal with that I can deal with R.A.D. Totally different. Trying to reach out to someone who has R.A.D. is very difficult to truly get through. I found my knight in shining armor and he stands at about 5'7 and is beautiful and I couldn't be happier. We have our little life with our work and our dogs.
We have been through some rough times what I have come to realize is that yes of course trust and honesty is extremely important in any relationship even more so with someone who has R.A.D. You have to think about it bounced around from foster home to foster home, a mother who gives you up, people consistantly throughout your life walking out on you, or using you or having some alterior motives yeah trust is going to be difficult. I will be the first to tell you that once you lose the trust of someone who has R.A.D. it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get back if even at all. I will not go into details but last year I royally screwed up big time!! and I was sure that I had lost the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. He does suffer from R.A.D. but he has still been able to be there for me, and make me a better person, and make me face certain things and feel certain things even when he cannot himself which is incredible. I lost his trust. It was so bad I almost lost him forever. I have never been that scared or sick in my life those first few hours after he left I was just curled in a ball bawling my eyes out, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything but rehash in my mind my mistakes and I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.
I had done the one thing that so many others had done to him (no I did not cheat).... the one person he DID TRUST abused that trust and if you could have seen the look and the hurt in his eyes I still can't get that look out of my head till this day. For whatever reason, he came around we worked some stuff out it took a few months but we got back on track. I knew that his trust was not completely back, I was not expecting it to be back. We took a little break later on we needed time apart to realize that we don't need time apart. In that week that I went away I can't describe the emotions that I felt, the amount that I missed this wonderful man. My guy is gorgeous and I am no miss america, he could be with any supermodel if he wanted to, in a heartbeat. But we connect on this level we get eachother, even through his R.A.D. outbreaks or moments what have you we still connect.
A few months ago we had an intense conversation. I thought he was propsing! he wasn't lol :) it was a promise to propose. It was all about how I understand him, and I haven't walked out on him, or judge or try to hurt him, and I was crying through this conversation. A man who has had such a horrendous life and has not been able to really fully be in a sustainable emotional wonderful relationship with no major hiccups is confessing FEELINGS to me!!! I was just amazed and incredibly happy. He told me that He does not trust me yet, but he will marry me. I have the email that proves that lol :) When he said that my stomache sunk again, I know the trust that we had was gone, he trusted me more than anyone in his life for the first time and I royally royally hurt that trust. I have worked super super hard these past 6 months or so to get it back. I would do anything for him, anything to help, or even just be there silently. He is my world.
When a person with R.A.D. has been walked out on among everything else, it's amazing they trust anyone? and honestly he doesn't trust anyone. The other night he uttered the words to me "I trust you with everything that I have in this world, I trust you and you know that coming from me? that that statement is true...." I about broke down right there... The words I have been waiting to hear, had come from him.
He tells me constantly he is a bad person, he is not capable of emotion and that I should not love a horrible person like him. In my opinion from when I met him even prior to meeting me, he is changing. Someone who is dead inside, and empty doesn't say the beautiful things that he says to me sometimes. They don't tell you they want to share their life with you, or any nice things really. I have been super happy for a few days after hearing those words come from him. I will never abuse his trust ever again, I will never hurt him ever again.
Once you have R.A.D. you never really get rid of it I think you just find ways to deal with it and keep it under control. We have a happy life together and things are amazing with us as long as are always open and honest. The best advice I can give is just always be honest with one another, always lend an ear, never judge, and be prepared for absolutely anything!!! But most importantly never turn your back on them. They may be suffering and have gone through some horrendous things and have done horrendous things themselves but they need love and they aren't bad people, the way I see it to quote someone very wise...."We don't see a bad person, we see a good person suffering....."
Maggie
I had never come across someone with R.A.D. until I met my guy. Having been in a previous relationship with when I look back now had similar characteristics of R.A.D. but most likely was not R.A.D. I thought okay if I could deal with that I can deal with R.A.D. Totally different. Trying to reach out to someone who has R.A.D. is very difficult to truly get through. I found my knight in shining armor and he stands at about 5'7 and is beautiful and I couldn't be happier. We have our little life with our work and our dogs.
We have been through some rough times what I have come to realize is that yes of course trust and honesty is extremely important in any relationship even more so with someone who has R.A.D. You have to think about it bounced around from foster home to foster home, a mother who gives you up, people consistantly throughout your life walking out on you, or using you or having some alterior motives yeah trust is going to be difficult. I will be the first to tell you that once you lose the trust of someone who has R.A.D. it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get back if even at all. I will not go into details but last year I royally screwed up big time!! and I was sure that I had lost the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. He does suffer from R.A.D. but he has still been able to be there for me, and make me a better person, and make me face certain things and feel certain things even when he cannot himself which is incredible. I lost his trust. It was so bad I almost lost him forever. I have never been that scared or sick in my life those first few hours after he left I was just curled in a ball bawling my eyes out, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything but rehash in my mind my mistakes and I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.
I had done the one thing that so many others had done to him (no I did not cheat).... the one person he DID TRUST abused that trust and if you could have seen the look and the hurt in his eyes I still can't get that look out of my head till this day. For whatever reason, he came around we worked some stuff out it took a few months but we got back on track. I knew that his trust was not completely back, I was not expecting it to be back. We took a little break later on we needed time apart to realize that we don't need time apart. In that week that I went away I can't describe the emotions that I felt, the amount that I missed this wonderful man. My guy is gorgeous and I am no miss america, he could be with any supermodel if he wanted to, in a heartbeat. But we connect on this level we get eachother, even through his R.A.D. outbreaks or moments what have you we still connect.
A few months ago we had an intense conversation. I thought he was propsing! he wasn't lol :) it was a promise to propose. It was all about how I understand him, and I haven't walked out on him, or judge or try to hurt him, and I was crying through this conversation. A man who has had such a horrendous life and has not been able to really fully be in a sustainable emotional wonderful relationship with no major hiccups is confessing FEELINGS to me!!! I was just amazed and incredibly happy. He told me that He does not trust me yet, but he will marry me. I have the email that proves that lol :) When he said that my stomache sunk again, I know the trust that we had was gone, he trusted me more than anyone in his life for the first time and I royally royally hurt that trust. I have worked super super hard these past 6 months or so to get it back. I would do anything for him, anything to help, or even just be there silently. He is my world.
When a person with R.A.D. has been walked out on among everything else, it's amazing they trust anyone? and honestly he doesn't trust anyone. The other night he uttered the words to me "I trust you with everything that I have in this world, I trust you and you know that coming from me? that that statement is true...." I about broke down right there... The words I have been waiting to hear, had come from him.
He tells me constantly he is a bad person, he is not capable of emotion and that I should not love a horrible person like him. In my opinion from when I met him even prior to meeting me, he is changing. Someone who is dead inside, and empty doesn't say the beautiful things that he says to me sometimes. They don't tell you they want to share their life with you, or any nice things really. I have been super happy for a few days after hearing those words come from him. I will never abuse his trust ever again, I will never hurt him ever again.
Once you have R.A.D. you never really get rid of it I think you just find ways to deal with it and keep it under control. We have a happy life together and things are amazing with us as long as are always open and honest. The best advice I can give is just always be honest with one another, always lend an ear, never judge, and be prepared for absolutely anything!!! But most importantly never turn your back on them. They may be suffering and have gone through some horrendous things and have done horrendous things themselves but they need love and they aren't bad people, the way I see it to quote someone very wise...."We don't see a bad person, we see a good person suffering....."
Maggie
How do you help the hurt when the hurt can't help themselves.....
Hello all. It felt really good to write my last post. It has been quite some time since I have written anything to this nature so this should be a good outlet I feel.
One of my common everyday battles that I struggle with is how do I help someone that feels that they are damaged, or feels that they are the devil, or feels that they are the most horrendous person to ever walk this earth. How do you reach out to that person and really touch them? You can't. It is the hardest thing in the world to sit back and watch the one person that you love more than anything hurting, crying, reaching out for some type of relief and not being able to get any satisfaction.
My only major priority in a day is to make sure that my guy is happy and he is taken care of and has everything that he needs. That is my main concern in a day is that he is okay. I never know what to expect when I wake up in the morning and that is sometimes sad to say. I do not know if I am going to wake up to a happy man? or to a man that has been up all night replaying things in his mind and sinking deeper into a depression that by the time he does awake he is so zonked and worn out that he is almost like a zombie and cannot function. This is what it is like for someone who has R.A.D. They shut down. My guy will watch a video clip or listen to music and try to place why they affect him as much as they do. He will do this for hours and hours to me its like torture. Why would you want to put yourself through that kind of pain repeatedly? I do understand that in some way this is his way of finding the healing that he needs to find hurtful or not.
He will watch a video clip and just be lost in it, his eyes get that watery glazed over look like he is about to cry but cannot come up with the strength to do so or he just does not have any tears left in him to shed. My heart breaks every time I see this happen because I want to take care of him and I want to help him and take him in my arms and make all of this go away and make him see how incredible he is and take his pain away but I cannot and that is the most horrible feeling in the world. To watch someone down spiral and just have to sit there and watch. What can you do? You can't really say anything becuase what is there that I can possibly say that is going to help? I have never led the life that he has led, I do not know what it must have been like at a year and a half to be taken out of the only home you knew, the violence and the language that must have gone on. I couldn't imagine being tossed from foster home to foster home before someone finally wanted to adopt me. I can't imagine what it must have felt like holding a lifeless body of an animal in my hands that I was responsible for, or being with in his case woman after woman searching for some type of satisfaction when really it was just purely a sexual way to act out. I just can't! I want to scream I am so angry!!! I am so angry that he has had to lead a life like this.
I am so angry that there are people in this world that can be so cruel and just toss something aside like yesterdays trash in this case a child! What do I say to someone who has been through this? All I can do is be there, listen, not judge, have an open mind and an open heart and hope that somehow that helps in some way.
To those of you who again live with someone or know someone its hard for emotions to be truly shown. There are so many times where I want nothing more than to just lie on the couch or lie on the floor together (not sexually) just be close to one another , and thats not something that my partner enjoys doing very frequently, he doesn't show affection well in that way but it's okay I know this as does he. It is really hard though sometimes not to take it personally being on the outside and not having R.A.D. It is really hard at times. You have to be able to separate the personal from the okay this is from having R.A.D. I love him more than anything which I have mentioned several times now :) There are many times where I will cry myself to sleep because I can't figure out why he can't sleep in the same bed as me, why he can't lay down with me, why he can't wrap his arms around me and just hold me why he doesn't want to make love to me. Of course my mind wanders to reasons as to why this is, I am not pretty enough, I am not like the beautiful women you used to chase after, you think im going to hurt you but I am not!! I am not mad I am just confused, and hurt, and angry but it's not his fault.
R.A.D is a serious disorder. You really have to be dedicated to the individual suffering from this. Regardless of the fact that I can't outwardly help him, or make this all disspear I will say this again as I always do, I love him, he is my world and I would never turn my back on him. He shows his love and his affection in the ways that he knows how and the ways that fit his comfort level until he is ready to push that a bit, and that is perfectly fine with me. As long as he is safe, and by my side and can talk to me when he feels he needs to talk then that is all that matters to me. More Later.
Maggie
One of my common everyday battles that I struggle with is how do I help someone that feels that they are damaged, or feels that they are the devil, or feels that they are the most horrendous person to ever walk this earth. How do you reach out to that person and really touch them? You can't. It is the hardest thing in the world to sit back and watch the one person that you love more than anything hurting, crying, reaching out for some type of relief and not being able to get any satisfaction.
My only major priority in a day is to make sure that my guy is happy and he is taken care of and has everything that he needs. That is my main concern in a day is that he is okay. I never know what to expect when I wake up in the morning and that is sometimes sad to say. I do not know if I am going to wake up to a happy man? or to a man that has been up all night replaying things in his mind and sinking deeper into a depression that by the time he does awake he is so zonked and worn out that he is almost like a zombie and cannot function. This is what it is like for someone who has R.A.D. They shut down. My guy will watch a video clip or listen to music and try to place why they affect him as much as they do. He will do this for hours and hours to me its like torture. Why would you want to put yourself through that kind of pain repeatedly? I do understand that in some way this is his way of finding the healing that he needs to find hurtful or not.
He will watch a video clip and just be lost in it, his eyes get that watery glazed over look like he is about to cry but cannot come up with the strength to do so or he just does not have any tears left in him to shed. My heart breaks every time I see this happen because I want to take care of him and I want to help him and take him in my arms and make all of this go away and make him see how incredible he is and take his pain away but I cannot and that is the most horrible feeling in the world. To watch someone down spiral and just have to sit there and watch. What can you do? You can't really say anything becuase what is there that I can possibly say that is going to help? I have never led the life that he has led, I do not know what it must have been like at a year and a half to be taken out of the only home you knew, the violence and the language that must have gone on. I couldn't imagine being tossed from foster home to foster home before someone finally wanted to adopt me. I can't imagine what it must have felt like holding a lifeless body of an animal in my hands that I was responsible for, or being with in his case woman after woman searching for some type of satisfaction when really it was just purely a sexual way to act out. I just can't! I want to scream I am so angry!!! I am so angry that he has had to lead a life like this.
I am so angry that there are people in this world that can be so cruel and just toss something aside like yesterdays trash in this case a child! What do I say to someone who has been through this? All I can do is be there, listen, not judge, have an open mind and an open heart and hope that somehow that helps in some way.
To those of you who again live with someone or know someone its hard for emotions to be truly shown. There are so many times where I want nothing more than to just lie on the couch or lie on the floor together (not sexually) just be close to one another , and thats not something that my partner enjoys doing very frequently, he doesn't show affection well in that way but it's okay I know this as does he. It is really hard though sometimes not to take it personally being on the outside and not having R.A.D. It is really hard at times. You have to be able to separate the personal from the okay this is from having R.A.D. I love him more than anything which I have mentioned several times now :) There are many times where I will cry myself to sleep because I can't figure out why he can't sleep in the same bed as me, why he can't lay down with me, why he can't wrap his arms around me and just hold me why he doesn't want to make love to me. Of course my mind wanders to reasons as to why this is, I am not pretty enough, I am not like the beautiful women you used to chase after, you think im going to hurt you but I am not!! I am not mad I am just confused, and hurt, and angry but it's not his fault.
R.A.D is a serious disorder. You really have to be dedicated to the individual suffering from this. Regardless of the fact that I can't outwardly help him, or make this all disspear I will say this again as I always do, I love him, he is my world and I would never turn my back on him. He shows his love and his affection in the ways that he knows how and the ways that fit his comfort level until he is ready to push that a bit, and that is perfectly fine with me. As long as he is safe, and by my side and can talk to me when he feels he needs to talk then that is all that matters to me. More Later.
Maggie
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