I normally wouldn't write this much in one day but I am house sitting and I am avoiding doing some work and I am bored so I figured I would add another post. As a little girl I had some pretty set standards for myself. I wanted to be an artist when I got older, and I wanted to find my knight in shining armor. I grew up and low and behold I got my degree and became an artist, among other things. I had various relationships here and there the longest one being 4 years. 4 years I was with a man that I thought was going to be my everything, my future, my world. Boy was I wrong on that one. He did everything short of cheating on me (I think). He was verbally abusive at times, he was a slob, lazy, the list could go on and on. To make a long story short he was diagnosed with border line manic depressive and anxiety disorder with suicidal tendencies. I lived with this for 4 years, I put up with being put last for everything, being yelled at for things that were not my fault, for just being treated like crap. I was there but I wasn't there. I was only there for his meager existance to do everything for him didn't matter what I wanted. There were many times I should have gotten out but I didn't because part of me felt that if I stayed with him long enough I could "heal" him I could help. But I realized I couldn't help him because he did not want to be helped.
I had never come across someone with R.A.D. until I met my guy. Having been in a previous relationship with when I look back now had similar characteristics of R.A.D. but most likely was not R.A.D. I thought okay if I could deal with that I can deal with R.A.D. Totally different. Trying to reach out to someone who has R.A.D. is very difficult to truly get through. I found my knight in shining armor and he stands at about 5'7 and is beautiful and I couldn't be happier. We have our little life with our work and our dogs.
We have been through some rough times what I have come to realize is that yes of course trust and honesty is extremely important in any relationship even more so with someone who has R.A.D. You have to think about it bounced around from foster home to foster home, a mother who gives you up, people consistantly throughout your life walking out on you, or using you or having some alterior motives yeah trust is going to be difficult. I will be the first to tell you that once you lose the trust of someone who has R.A.D. it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get back if even at all. I will not go into details but last year I royally screwed up big time!! and I was sure that I had lost the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. He does suffer from R.A.D. but he has still been able to be there for me, and make me a better person, and make me face certain things and feel certain things even when he cannot himself which is incredible. I lost his trust. It was so bad I almost lost him forever. I have never been that scared or sick in my life those first few hours after he left I was just curled in a ball bawling my eyes out, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything but rehash in my mind my mistakes and I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.
I had done the one thing that so many others had done to him (no I did not cheat).... the one person he DID TRUST abused that trust and if you could have seen the look and the hurt in his eyes I still can't get that look out of my head till this day. For whatever reason, he came around we worked some stuff out it took a few months but we got back on track. I knew that his trust was not completely back, I was not expecting it to be back. We took a little break later on we needed time apart to realize that we don't need time apart. In that week that I went away I can't describe the emotions that I felt, the amount that I missed this wonderful man. My guy is gorgeous and I am no miss america, he could be with any supermodel if he wanted to, in a heartbeat. But we connect on this level we get eachother, even through his R.A.D. outbreaks or moments what have you we still connect.
A few months ago we had an intense conversation. I thought he was propsing! he wasn't lol :) it was a promise to propose. It was all about how I understand him, and I haven't walked out on him, or judge or try to hurt him, and I was crying through this conversation. A man who has had such a horrendous life and has not been able to really fully be in a sustainable emotional wonderful relationship with no major hiccups is confessing FEELINGS to me!!! I was just amazed and incredibly happy. He told me that He does not trust me yet, but he will marry me. I have the email that proves that lol :) When he said that my stomache sunk again, I know the trust that we had was gone, he trusted me more than anyone in his life for the first time and I royally royally hurt that trust. I have worked super super hard these past 6 months or so to get it back. I would do anything for him, anything to help, or even just be there silently. He is my world.
When a person with R.A.D. has been walked out on among everything else, it's amazing they trust anyone? and honestly he doesn't trust anyone. The other night he uttered the words to me "I trust you with everything that I have in this world, I trust you and you know that coming from me? that that statement is true...." I about broke down right there... The words I have been waiting to hear, had come from him.
He tells me constantly he is a bad person, he is not capable of emotion and that I should not love a horrible person like him. In my opinion from when I met him even prior to meeting me, he is changing. Someone who is dead inside, and empty doesn't say the beautiful things that he says to me sometimes. They don't tell you they want to share their life with you, or any nice things really. I have been super happy for a few days after hearing those words come from him. I will never abuse his trust ever again, I will never hurt him ever again.
Once you have R.A.D. you never really get rid of it I think you just find ways to deal with it and keep it under control. We have a happy life together and things are amazing with us as long as are always open and honest. The best advice I can give is just always be honest with one another, always lend an ear, never judge, and be prepared for absolutely anything!!! But most importantly never turn your back on them. They may be suffering and have gone through some horrendous things and have done horrendous things themselves but they need love and they aren't bad people, the way I see it to quote someone very wise...."We don't see a bad person, we see a good person suffering....."
Maggie
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