Hello all. It felt really good to write my last post. It has been quite some time since I have written anything to this nature so this should be a good outlet I feel.
One of my common everyday battles that I struggle with is how do I help someone that feels that they are damaged, or feels that they are the devil, or feels that they are the most horrendous person to ever walk this earth. How do you reach out to that person and really touch them? You can't. It is the hardest thing in the world to sit back and watch the one person that you love more than anything hurting, crying, reaching out for some type of relief and not being able to get any satisfaction.
My only major priority in a day is to make sure that my guy is happy and he is taken care of and has everything that he needs. That is my main concern in a day is that he is okay. I never know what to expect when I wake up in the morning and that is sometimes sad to say. I do not know if I am going to wake up to a happy man? or to a man that has been up all night replaying things in his mind and sinking deeper into a depression that by the time he does awake he is so zonked and worn out that he is almost like a zombie and cannot function. This is what it is like for someone who has R.A.D. They shut down. My guy will watch a video clip or listen to music and try to place why they affect him as much as they do. He will do this for hours and hours to me its like torture. Why would you want to put yourself through that kind of pain repeatedly? I do understand that in some way this is his way of finding the healing that he needs to find hurtful or not.
He will watch a video clip and just be lost in it, his eyes get that watery glazed over look like he is about to cry but cannot come up with the strength to do so or he just does not have any tears left in him to shed. My heart breaks every time I see this happen because I want to take care of him and I want to help him and take him in my arms and make all of this go away and make him see how incredible he is and take his pain away but I cannot and that is the most horrible feeling in the world. To watch someone down spiral and just have to sit there and watch. What can you do? You can't really say anything becuase what is there that I can possibly say that is going to help? I have never led the life that he has led, I do not know what it must have been like at a year and a half to be taken out of the only home you knew, the violence and the language that must have gone on. I couldn't imagine being tossed from foster home to foster home before someone finally wanted to adopt me. I can't imagine what it must have felt like holding a lifeless body of an animal in my hands that I was responsible for, or being with in his case woman after woman searching for some type of satisfaction when really it was just purely a sexual way to act out. I just can't! I want to scream I am so angry!!! I am so angry that he has had to lead a life like this.
I am so angry that there are people in this world that can be so cruel and just toss something aside like yesterdays trash in this case a child! What do I say to someone who has been through this? All I can do is be there, listen, not judge, have an open mind and an open heart and hope that somehow that helps in some way.
To those of you who again live with someone or know someone its hard for emotions to be truly shown. There are so many times where I want nothing more than to just lie on the couch or lie on the floor together (not sexually) just be close to one another , and thats not something that my partner enjoys doing very frequently, he doesn't show affection well in that way but it's okay I know this as does he. It is really hard though sometimes not to take it personally being on the outside and not having R.A.D. It is really hard at times. You have to be able to separate the personal from the okay this is from having R.A.D. I love him more than anything which I have mentioned several times now :) There are many times where I will cry myself to sleep because I can't figure out why he can't sleep in the same bed as me, why he can't lay down with me, why he can't wrap his arms around me and just hold me why he doesn't want to make love to me. Of course my mind wanders to reasons as to why this is, I am not pretty enough, I am not like the beautiful women you used to chase after, you think im going to hurt you but I am not!! I am not mad I am just confused, and hurt, and angry but it's not his fault.
R.A.D is a serious disorder. You really have to be dedicated to the individual suffering from this. Regardless of the fact that I can't outwardly help him, or make this all disspear I will say this again as I always do, I love him, he is my world and I would never turn my back on him. He shows his love and his affection in the ways that he knows how and the ways that fit his comfort level until he is ready to push that a bit, and that is perfectly fine with me. As long as he is safe, and by my side and can talk to me when he feels he needs to talk then that is all that matters to me. More Later.
Maggie
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